Quick question: when’s the last time you felt truly close to your partner?
Not physically close. I mean that feeling where you know someone sees you. Really sees you. Where you can say the messy, half-formed thought in your head and know it won’t be used against you later.
If you had to think about it for more than a few seconds, you’re not alone.
Here’s something most couples don’t talk about: you can have regular sex and still feel lonely in your relationship. You can share a bed every night and still feel like strangers. Because intimacy, real intimacy, goes way deeper than what happens between the sheets.
The Intimacy Misconception
When most people hear the word “intimacy,” their minds go straight to sex. It’s understandable. Our culture uses the terms almost interchangeably.
But the American Psychological Association defines intimacy as “an interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness such that each party’s personal space can be entered by any of the other parties without causing discomfort.” Notice what’s missing from that definition? Any mention of physical contact.
Here’s what that actually means: intimacy is about feeling safe enough to be fully yourself with someone. It’s knowing that your partner has detailed knowledge of who you really are (not just the polished version you show the world) and accepts you anyway.
According to Psychology Today, it’s perfectly possible to have sex without intimacy. It’s equally possible to have intimacy without sex. They’re related, sure. But they’re not the same thing.
And for a lot of couples, especially after years together, focusing only on the physical stuff while ignoring everything else is exactly where things start falling apart.
The Different Flavors of Intimacy
Researchers have identified several types of intimacy that contribute to relationship satisfaction. Understanding them can help you figure out where your relationship might need attention.
Emotional intimacy is the big one. It’s the honest sharing of your thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams, and feeling heard and understood in return. This is where vulnerability lives.
Intellectual intimacy involves communicating beliefs, viewpoints, and ideas in a way that creates curiosity and acceptance, even when you disagree. It’s those conversations that make you think, “I never considered it that way.”
Physical intimacy goes beyond sex. It includes all affectionate touch: holding hands, hugs, kisses, cuddling on the couch. Research shows that affectionate touch is closely related to high relationship satisfaction and plays a vital role in building feelings of closeness.
Experiential intimacy comes from doing things together, creating shared memories, working toward common goals. It’s the inside jokes, the “remember when we…” moments.
Spiritual intimacy involves sharing your sense of meaning and purpose, your values, your connection to something larger than yourself. It doesn’t require religion, just a willingness to explore the bigger questions together.
According to Psychology Today, you don’t need one person to fulfill all forms of intimacy. But in a romantic relationship, having multiple types working together creates a much stronger bond than relying on any single one.
Why Men Often Struggle With Non-Sexual Intimacy
Let’s be honest about something. Many men find emotional intimacy harder than physical intimacy. And there are reasons for that.
According to one clinical psychologist, men carry what she calls “the Male Code” – an unspoken agreement that you should do anything in your power not to feel pain, fear, weakness, or vulnerability. From childhood, many men receive the message that emotional expression equals weakness.
Research from Therapy Group of DC confirms that hyper-traditional masculine norms, which discourage emotional vulnerability, can lead to difficulties forming deep, intimate connections. When you struggle to express your true feelings, it can result in anger, irritability, shame, and emotional pain that strains relationships.
Here’s what this often looks like in practice: a man who’s perfectly comfortable initiating sex but shuts down when his partner wants to talk about feelings. As one article puts it, “He’ll hold my hand in public or initiate sex, but when I want to connect emotionally, he shuts down.”
The irony? For many men, sex becomes the only way they feel they can be emotionally intimate. It’s the only context where being open and unguarded feels permissible. But that puts enormous pressure on physical intimacy to carry the entire weight of connection.
And when sex becomes the only path to closeness, the relationship is standing on one leg.
What Research Says About Emotional Connection
Here’s something that might surprise you: a Bucknell University study found that emotional accessibility was more important than sexual accessibility to both partners in long-term relationships. Both. Not just women.
According to Psychology Today, research shows that couples with high levels of emotional closeness experience greater partner satisfaction, improved communication, and reduced conflict. Relationships lacking emotional intimacy are more likely to face increased conflict, diminished sexual desire, and feelings of loneliness.
Read that again: diminished sexual desire. Less emotional intimacy often leads to less physical intimacy, not more. The two feed each other.
A Harvard study found that the biggest predictor of happiness and fulfillment overall in life is love and the quality of your relationships. Having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, keeps your brain healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional and physical pain.
In other words: emotional connection isn’t just nice to have. It’s essential for wellbeing.
Building Intimacy Through Communication
So how do you actually build this kind of closeness? It starts with how you talk to each other.
Create space for real conversations. Not just logistics about who’s picking up the kids or what’s for dinner. Actual conversations about thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears. Research shows that couples who regularly engage in open and honest communication are more likely to experience higher relationship satisfaction.
Put the phone down. Being “in the moment” during quality time together, without distractions, fosters emotional closeness. Active listening, where you fully engage with your partner’s thoughts and feelings, is a key aspect of emotional intimacy.
Ask better questions. Instead of “How was your day?” (which usually gets a one-word answer), try: “What was the best part of your day?” or “What’s on your mind lately?” or “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to talk about?”
Share something vulnerable. Intimacy requires risk. Someone has to go first. Share something you don’t usually talk about. Your fears about work. A childhood memory that still affects you. What you’re actually feeling, not just thinking.
Listen without fixing. This is huge, especially for men. When your partner shares something difficult, the instinct is often to solve the problem. But sometimes people just need to be heard. Ask: “Do you want me to listen, or are you looking for suggestions?”
Building Intimacy Through Care
Words matter. But actions often speak louder.
Non-sexual physical affection. Hugs that last more than two seconds. A hand on the shoulder when you walk by. Sitting close on the couch. Research shows that physical touch releases oxytocin and endorphins that bond couples together and reduce stress.
When couples only engage in physical affection immediately before or during sex, according to Psychology Today, they risk turning the experience into something transactional.
Small acts of thoughtfulness. Remembering something they mentioned wanting. Making their coffee the way they like it. Handling something they’ve been stressed about. These aren’t grand gestures. They’re evidence that you’re paying attention.
Show up when it’s hard. Anyone can be present during the good times. Real intimacy is built when you stay engaged during the difficult conversations, the bad moods, the moments when your partner isn’t at their best.
End the day together. According to researchers, concluding the day by sharing highs and lows and expressing appreciation fosters feelings of safety, gratitude, and emotional closeness.
When Intimacy Has Faded
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “We used to have that. Where did it go?”
Life happens. Work stress, kids, health issues, financial pressure. All of it can push intimacy to the back burner until one day you realize you’re living more like roommates than partners.
Research suggests that rebuilding intimacy takes time and patience, often requiring 3-6 months of consistent effort to see significant improvements. But it is possible.
Start small. One real conversation. One moment of vulnerability. One evening without screens. Build from there.
If you’ve tried and you’re still stuck, couples therapy can help. According to contemporary research, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) specifically increases emotional, psychological, sexual, and physical intimacy in couples.
The Bottom Line
Sex is important. I’m not dismissing that. Physical connection matters, and it’s a legitimate need in most romantic relationships.
But if sex is the only kind of intimacy you’re cultivating, you’re missing most of what makes a relationship satisfying and sustainable. The couples who stay connected over decades aren’t just the ones who maintain a sex life. They’re the ones who know how to talk to each other, who show care in daily ways, who’ve built multiple bridges of connection.
Emotional intimacy is what gets you through the tough times. It’s what makes you feel like partners rather than cohabitants. And honestly? It often makes the physical stuff better too, because you’re connecting with the whole person, not just their body.
So here’s my challenge: this week, try building one type of non-sexual intimacy with your partner. Have a real conversation. Do something together. Share something you normally wouldn’t.
See what happens when you start thinking of intimacy as bigger than what happens in the bedroom.
Because real closeness? It’s built in all the moments in between.